Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
