It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
