i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
