I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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