stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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