That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
