When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
