3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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