Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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