someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
