He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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