Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
