So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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