He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
