Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
