Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You need a sexual gate keeper
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
