Your mouth is God's brothel.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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