haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
