Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
