lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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