so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
