I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
