I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
