I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
