Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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