its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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