I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
