well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
