are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
