The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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