his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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