you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
