he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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