Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Randomize
