you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
