I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize