i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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