today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
