I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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