my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
