My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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