what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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