Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
