I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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