Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
