Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
