Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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