I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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