we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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