I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
