I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
