someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I deserve this hangover.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
