drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
