sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
