Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
