all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
